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Mark McGuire vs. Hannibal Smith vs. Cousin Eddie
by the goat… Today we have the first ever birthday showdown here at BSP. On this day three great (or once great) Americans were born. That’s right. Mark McGuire, George Peppard and Randy Quaid all share October 1st as their day of birth. In celebration we are going to run a showdown poll to decide who would kick who’s ass.
Of course we need to throw in a little twist, so the face off will be between Mark and two of Randy and George’s most memorable roles.
The rules are simple, we are voting for who would win in a no holds barred street fight. Weapons are not allowed to be brought from home, but fighters may pick up anything lying around and use it. Other than that there are no rules, anything goes.
And now without further ado here are the contenders:
Coming in at 6′ 0″ tall and 175 pounds (210 with the cigar) is Hannibal Smith of the illustrious A-Team (Peppard)
Up next coming in at 6′ 5″ and 230 pounds (1998) 5′ 10″ 160 pounds (today) is Mark McGuire:
And finally measuring 6′ 5″ and weighing 245 pounds, from Vacation, Cousin Eddie (Quaid):
Here is my prediction; McGuire gets so wrapped up in dodging questions from the media that he gets blindsided early by Hannibal who burns his retnas out with his cigar. A blinded McGuire then haphazardly stumbles into Cousin Eddie, spilling his Milwaukee’s Best.
Cousin Eddie promptly chokes McGuire to death with his beer soaked shirt, slurping up the beer leaking from the tightly twisted shirt while doing the choking… impressive move to say the least. Bottom line is that ‘98 McGuire might have stood a chance, but post-juice he is no match for these two highly trained professionals.
Cousin Eddie then turns his attention to Hannibal who throws his cigar at Eddie chinese star style. Eddie removes his own cigar from his mouth just in time to catch Hannibals cigar in his teeth. Eddie then promptly and simultaneously takes a drag off of Hannibal’s cigar and rifles his own towards him. A move which allows Cousin Eddie to keep his streak of 7,634 consecutive breaths full of cigar smoke alive.
Hannibal, stunned by the cat like reflexes, freezes and is struck in the face. Eddie, smelling victory, finishes the weakened Smith off by suffocating him with his rabbit fur hat. Eddie then proceeds to empty his RV toilet by pouring the contents over the dead bodies of McGuire and Hannibal with the hose. All the while muttering “the shitter was full, the shitter was full” repeatedly under his breath:
Bottom line is I believe Cousin Eddie takes it due to him being 100% bat shit crazy. I’ll take insane over training all day. What do you think?
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My Last Manny Man Love Post (Part 1)
by the goat… I know, I know I need to let it go, but we have until wednesday before the MLB playoffs start and the Patriots had a bye week (hopefully Tom Brady got #12 sewn up by now so he can stop wearing #16). There is nothing much to talk about, so I am sneaking in my last Manny post (which conviently has two parts).
Manny opened up a bit in an interview with T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times recently and the big picture is starting to develop. It is hard to piece it all together living under the spell of the Boston media, so I am going to lay it out for everyone.
Most people here get 90% of their Red Sox “news” from Dan Shaughnessy and Bob Ryan, the two worst reporters in the history of the english language. Bob is just an out of touch toolbag who for the last five years has been on a constant audition for ESPN with his over the top schtick. Dan Shaughnessy should be writing for the National Enquirer. His stories are rarely true and are so sensational that they should have original Batman television show style cartoon captions accompanying them. “Manny ate Terry Francona’s baby!” Kapow!
All of these stories that came out about Manny’s antics, they were leaked by the Red Sox to douches like Shaughnessy by other douches in the Red Sox front office (alot of douching, I know). Namely Larry Luchino. It is what he does when they are about to make a trade involving a beloved player. He did it to Nomar Garciaparra. He leaked stories about him faking an injury to get people to think Nomar had to go. It is a crap tactic and Theo was so pissed over it that he quit and fled Fenway in a gorilla suit. Now I am not saying Manny didn’t want to get traded, I am just saying that the story we were getting was nothing more than Red Sox propaganda filtered by tabloid reporters. Think about it.
As all loyal B.S.P. readers know, I have long professed my undying man love for Manny, so I do not claim to be 100% objective either. I just want to get the other side of the story out there for some of you who don’t read everything you can on the greatest manchild in the history of baseball.
In the interview with Simers Manny made a few key points about the lack of privacy for him in Boston, and how he felt like he was living in a cage. I want to point out that this supposed fire breathing, horrible teammate, never threw one person under the bus by name. He also goes out of his way to say that he loved the fans, he just hated, get ready for the big surprise… Read more
Welcome To The Machine
-Today we have the much anticipated debut post of Tiny Danza. He brings it hard as expected, coming right out of the gates with a fuck you to the Yankees and the Pink Hats of Sox Nation. Nice work Tiny.
- by Tiny Danza… Earnest Hemingway once wrote in The Old Man and the Sea - “…Son never lose faith in the Yankees.” Well fuck Hemingway! He ended up in Cuba anyway didn’t he? And fuck The Yankees! Their season, dynasty and crummy little “house” have all crumbled before our very eyes. And while the love fest at B.S.P is going down I’m comin’ with a lovin’ spoonful for my main man Theo “Boy Genius” Epstein. While many of us were crying in our Yaz painter’s caps because Billy “Moneyball” Beane spurned the Sox and their lucrative offer in ‘02 to take over baseball operations. The Sox subsequently hired a young nobody and Luchino protege named Theo Epstein. Upon being hired Theo outlined 4 prominent organizational goals which are outlined and dissected in the proceeding paragraphs:
1. Re-build the moribund minor league system by making it a “…player development machine” -Check
The Yankee dynasty of yesteryear was not solely the by-product of the Steinbrenner Cabbage farm, but came to fruition in spite of it. Contrary to popular belief those Championship Yankee teams were built upon the backs of: Jeter, Rivera, Posada, Pettite, Williams, Soriano and Mendoza (yes there WAS a time he was very effective) all drafted and developed in their system to form a rock solid nucleus. Homegrown cheap talent filling spots at: S.S., CL, C, SP, C.F, 2nd, RP encompassing the most important positions in middle of the field.
Possessing upwards $200 million didn’t hurt either, well at least not at first. You see having that much Cabbage allows teams/G.M.’S to be more aggressive but also allows/exaggerates their mistakes e.g., Pavano, Irabu, Giambi, etc. etc.. And like the call of the siren, the allure of pricey free-agents and sexy trades at the expense of young/cheap talent will leave your franchise stranded on the rocks for YEARS. Just LOOK at the Yankees pitching staff for next year as proof. $200 mill and you’ve got: Rivera, Joba, and well…. SHITE! Hughes and Kennedy have been less productive than Irabu the infamous “Fat Toad” in the popular Yankee fable. Mussina and Pettite both faced Honus Wagner as rookies while Pavano will be retiring giving his body to medical research. A confluence of events that’s left the once proud Yankee farm system as potent as a Giuliani seamen sample and the roster just as useless. All the while BOY WONDER has stockpiled: Beckett (TRD), Dice (FA), Lester, Delcarmen and Papelbon in their collective prime, with Bucholz, Masterson, Bowden, and Bard on the horizon. Not to mention: Youk, Pedroia, Ellsbury, Lowrie in the everyday line-up with Lars Anderson, and Argenis “I’ll win 8 gold gloves” Diaz on their way. The indisputable fact remains that in 4 years the Sox farm system has gone from laughing stock to “player development machine”. Welcome to the machine my friends welcome.
2. Reach the Post-season every year - *5 out of 6
Technically *4 of 5 as Theo’s contract dispute kept him Read more
Troy Brown Retires
by the goat… The Patriots and Troy Brown held a press conference today to announce his official retirement from the NFL. I know it is unprecedented to have two hero declarations in two days, but hey, it’s TROY BROWN. He played 15 years, and in this day in age it is truly remarkable that they were all as a Patriot.
Hero status is the least we can bestow upon the man who I will forever refer to as The Patriot. The man was the consummate team player, doing whatever was asked of him. Not only that but he did it with an ear to ear grin on his face. Troy didn’t need to play to the media or the fans, he was just who he was and everyone loved him. Everyone. Teammates, opposing players, coaches, media. I dare you to find someone who has ever muttered the words “You know, I just don’t like that Troy Brown”.
Here is an excerpt from a live blog that boston.com is running covering the press conference:
Owner Robert Kraft spoke for about three minutes before calling Brown up for a presentation.
He then said that the team’s game Nov. 13, against the Jets before a nationally televised audience, will be Troy Brown Night. Kraft unveiled a poster promoting Troy Brown Night.
Bill Belichick is speaking about his memories of Troy Brown’s career. He listed some moments that stand out to him:
The Super Bowl against Carolina, when he had a big catch on first-and-20 to set up Adam Vinatieri’s winning kick. The Snow Game against the Raiders, and how his punt return set up Vinatieri’s big kick. His TD catch from David Patten against the Colts. His TD catch to beat Miami in overtime — “one of his biggest catches, 81 yards.” A 2006 game against the Packers in which Brown, playing defensive back, held Donald Driver to one catch.Belichick went into depth about Brown’s performance against Driver, saying the team has a photo of that play hanging in the walls of Gillette Stadium. He believes the picture epitomizes what Brown is all about as a pro.
Here are a couple of quotes from Troy during the conference:
“It’s hard to let go,” he said. “But I know, at the end of the day, I played this game the way it supposed to be played.”
That is the understatement of the year. Troy played the game the way 1% of all professionals manage to play it.
And as you all know there is always the straw that broke the camels back when declaring heroes, and here it is:
Troy Brown talked about passing up the chance to play with another team.
“I had the opportunity to do it, but it didn’t feel right,” he said of the chance to sign with the Jets, saying he didn’t like the look of green and white.
“The only colors you’ll ever see on my back are the red, white, and blue of the New England Patriots. I’m proud to say it,” he said, his eyes moistening with a few tears.Game. Set. Match. Hero. Nice playing with you all and welcome, Troy, to the BSP Hall of Heroes.
Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!
by the goat… Hero alert! Boo Weekley has been on the goat hero radar for quite some time now, this past weekend he had his straw that broke the camels back moment. Although don’t tell him that, he may shoot the camel.
For those of you who don’t know, Boo Weekley is a professional golfer on the PGA tour. He is a two time winner on tour and this past weekend was the hero of the United States win over Europe in the Ryder Cup. He is also a total redneck.
Boo hails from Milton Florida (pop. 7045). For those of you unfamiliar with the Florida Panhandle, let’s just say that Milton is a hell of a lot closer to Mobile, Alabama then it is to Ft. Lauderdale.
Alright let’s get this hero declaration started as usual with some fun facts that led to the early stages of the investigation:
- Boo failed out of Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College after an impressive one year enrollment
- He has openly stated that he would much rather be “huntin’ and fishin’” than playing golf
- He is sponsored by the outdoors apparel company Mossy Oak, which specializes in camouflage apparel and other outdoor/hunting gear
- He is on the Feds red flag watch list because of rifle bullets found in his bag before a flight
- He started playing golf in high school
- He lists Ben Hogan as his golf hero in his bio, but admits he knows nothing about him. He used him in his PGA profile simply because he played Hogan clubs in high school
- He chews tobacco while he golfs
Let’s get to know the man a little better though shall we. Here are some quotes from ‘ole Boo hisself:
On playing in the British Open:
“It’s been rough on the food. Ain’t no sweet tea, and ain’t no fried chicken.”
“I don’t like to visit. I just go and do what I got to do and get home.”
When asked if he smuggled a few cans of chewing tobacco into the country: “I didn’t smuggle a few, I brought a bunch. I think about 20-something and my caddie brought like 30-something.”
When asked about the Royal and Ancient St. Andrews, the course being played and the home of golf (est. 1754): “I didn’t know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from.”
He was asked this question by a reporter upon his return: “Boo, I heard you just spent ten days in the U.K.” His answer was nothing short of priceless: “No sir,” Boo answered, “I was in Scotland.”
On his approach to the game of golf:
“It’s caveman golf: Hit it, find it, hit it again.”
On how he’d play with the lead on Sunday: “I don’t know, I ain’t never had it before.”
On chewing tobacco while playing in tournaments:
“I just like to spit a lot, you know. Kind of have to have something in my mouth, I reckon.”
On life in general:
On whether he likes turkey hunting: “I don’t know about the professional turkey hunt. More the deer and the fishing. That turkey, I don’t like chasing the chickens around. You can go get them out of the deep freezer.”
On what he’d be doing if he wasn’t a professional golfer: “I’d be holding a shovel, probably, because I wasn’t very good in school, neither.”
*Boo almost solidified hero status with this next one, talk about someone who “gets it” in a world of stiffs
On interacting with the gallery (fans) during his round: “These people paid their money to come out and watch us play, why not talk to them a little bit? The way I feel about it, they’re paying my bills. They’re helping out anyway. So why not talk to them?”
So that pretty much brings us to this years Ryder Cup held this past weekend. For those of you who don’t know about it, the Ryder Cup is golf’s version of the World Cup. It is Europe vs. The U.S.A. and is held every two years. People take it very serious. Adding to the drama was the fact that the United States had not won the cup since 1999. This years cup was held, in of all places, Kentucky. Yup good ‘ole Boo was down south with his own people.
The United States was not supposed to win, they had no Tiger Woods. They had a team full of nobody’s and rookies. I will spare you a full re-cap of the tournament, but let’s just say it was dramatic and emotional. The headline on the Ryder Cups own website read:
Redneck, white and blue squad exemplifies American spirit
Throughout the two day tournament Boo was getting the crowd fired up between shots while walking to his ball. Lee Westwood, a European player, was very vocal about his displeasure with Boo’s antics. After Boo and J.B. Holmes (a Kentucky boy) beat Westwood and his partner on Friday, Lee had this to say about Boo “raising the roof” and pumping up the crowd between shots: “Golf is supposed to be a gentleman’s game, and that is what separates it from all other sports. This [Weekley's behavior] is unsportsmanlike, if you ask me.”
Oh get over yourself Westwood you pussy. You can’t handle the crowd getting pumped up? The ones who, as Boo likes to point out, pay your salary. It’s not like they didn’t quiet down by the time the players hit their next shots. I used to have respect for Westwood, but he lost all of it. The PGA isn’t played in vacuum, if it was your doucheface would have to bag groceries during the week.
So how did Boo react to Westwoods shit slinging? He apologized humbly, causing Westwood to re-evaluate his feelings. That’s the kind of guy Weekley is. Oh and then he proceeded to kick his ass again on the golf course the next day, with some stare downs of Westwood thrown in after he hit some nice shots. Polite, but with a little go fuck yourself thrown in. Don’t be fooled, Boo is a gentleman, he answers question “yessir” and “nosir”, but he is no pushover.
I know what you are saying, “goat get to the straw that broke the camels back already, none of us give a shit about golf.” O.K here it is, keep in mind that our hero Boo is playing on golf’s biggest stage in front of tens of thousands of people in the gallery and tens of millions on television. I warn you, this video may cause you to pass out from over exposure to awesomeness. This is Boo leaving the first tee after his opening drive of the round.:
Original Video - More videos at TinyPic
Oh let’s see that again, this time in slow motion!
Tell me you didn’t just quote Chubs in your mind the same way I did when I first saw this: “Awww whatcha doin’ Boo?!? Ridin’ the bull?!?”
Or maybe you went with the Gary Potter (Kevin Nealon): “Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working.”
Either way this is the greatest moment in golf history. Argue if you want, but you would be wrong.
Welcome Boo to the annals of the goat Hall Of Fame, you deserve it you redneck hero bastid’.
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The Thrill Is Gone
by the goat… Is it just me or has this pennant race been less exciting than a pre-season curling match between Rolling Dust Retirement Home and Trembling Hills Recovery Hospital? It is just impossible to get fired up about a Red Sox series/race with the Tampa Bay Gays.
There is no giddiness, no hatred, no feelings of urgency. Let the Rays win it, they aren’t going anywhere in the playoffs anyway. No matter when it happens the Sox/Angels series is going to be the true ALCS.
I am about to say the most ridiculous thing I have ever said in my life… I miss the Yankees. They’re kind of like the friend you had in high school that you’re not sure how you even became friends with. The one who annoys the shit out of you, but then you miss him when he’s gone.
Screw the Rays and their six fans.
On another note, the Patriots are back to playing boring ass football too. Defense and Special Teams, Yawn. Another championship on it’s way, hooray Boston. All this winning is seriously getting tiresome. Even Brady still just looked “normal” last Sunday. His shirt must have been ripped worse than thought because he is still wearing number 16 for some reason.
I am surprised we haven’t heard anything about Tom abandoning number 12, I would think the media would notice something like that. Oh well, he is the best quarterback in the world no matter what number he wears.
Somebody give the goat something to get excited about. Maybe the Bruins will pull a deep playoff contender out of their ass this season. Yeah, and maybe Fenway will sell dollar drafts throughout the playoffs.
Brady Looked Good In Week One
by the goat… So week one in the NFL season is finally behind us, and while it wasn’t perfect we’ll certainly take it. The Patriots defense looked relatively good for the amount of question marks they have. Except for that one big breakdown in the last seconds, even the secondary showed up. Let’s not forget that this was the Kansas City Chiefs, but hey a win is a win right?
The offense was… well it was the Patriots offense. Randy Moss had his 56th 100 yard game, putting him three behind Marvin Harrison for second all time. Wes Welker resumed his workmanlike precision with a respectable six catches, and Sammy Morris showed some of the brilliance that had us in love with him at the beginning of last season. I am convinced that Belichick has Morris on his fantasty team. Either that or Laurence Maroney beat up his son or something because it is obvious Bill has it in for Maroney.
Brady was by no means as spectacular as we came to expect last season, but he did what he needed to do to manage the game and get the victory. This is what great quarterbacks do, they find a way to win even when they don’t have their A game. While he seemed to be on his game for the opening two drives they both ended in fumbles (Welker and Moss).
After that Brady seemed to really change and just become average, no big mistakes and a few flashes of brilliance but not quite what we’re used to here in New England. He even seemed to look a little bit different on the field, but that is when I realized that he must have ripped his jersey because he had to change into #16.
He probably just couldn’t get comfortable in the new jersey he had on, but all in all, 20 for 29 with 212 yards, one touchdown and no interceptions is a respectable outing for a guy who didn’t play a down in the preseason. Plus Brady is Brady, solid as a rock, he is the last thing we need to be worried about.
Overall it certainly wasn’t the greatest game the Pats have ever played, but when you consider it more as a fifth preseason game it was a good tune up. I would say we can expect Tom Brady and company to get back on track next week and resume the 30 point blowout style wins we are all accustomed to.
Fitzy Kills Me Sometimes…
I just checked in with Townie News and I have to say that Fitzy’s latest video killed me. I had to repost it here. Luckily he gave me permission to steal everything he ever posts and whore it out on the interweb. In case you don’t know Fitzy is an internet slut (Hand Jobs for everyone!):
Time To Do Work
by the goat... It is time. Football season is upon us. I have been putting off writing anything of substance long enough. One can only write about squirrels and beer chugging for so long. It is time to make some predictions, so here they are:
- Kurt Warner will blow it early. Due to franchise and fan pressure he will be replaced by Matt Leinart. In accordance with my prediction that Leinart will be the biggest NFL bust since Ryan Leaf, he will also blow it and Warner will start the last five games in Arizona. They miss the playoffs.
- Adrian Peterson will get hurt, but Chester Taylor will lead the Vikings to the NFC championship game. Adrian hasn’t played every game in a season since he was a freshman at Oklahoma.
- Matt Ryan will be a top ten quarterback.
- Taco Bell will sign Chad “Ocho Cinco” to a huge endorsement contract proving how out of touch they are with the latin community. The only thing less ethnically authentic than Taco Bell is the translation of 85 as Ocho Cinco. It’s ochenta y cinco you retard.
- The Cleveland Browns will suck.
- The Miami Dolphins will not.
- Brandon Jacobs will rush for at least 1500 yards, but the Giants will still not make the playoffs. (I will take this moment and this moment only to say: Hats off to you NY you fucking did it and you deserve it)
- Randy Moss will be flat broke in five years. Seriously
- Marvin Lewis will not be the coach of the Cincinatti Bengals when the 2009 Superbowl is played.
- High School’s Over.
Hambino made this prediction in the comment box, I had to add it:
- Peyton Manning will come out of the closet.
Squirrels Are Pricks
by the goat… Since good things come in three’s we might as well do another video post. If this video doesn’t convince you that squirrels are genuine assholes I don’t know what will. As a disclaimer you should probably know that goats and squirrels are natural enemies. I have been in a deep feud with a squirrel for some time, but that is a post for another day.
In this video you can clearly see that the squirrel is just messing with the players. He knows exactly what he is doing and is loving every minute of it:
The announcers had a few funny lines in there, turning it into a football play by play call wasn’t bad. What I can’t believe is that nobody noticed (and hasn’t since) that this squirrel was so obviously doing an imitation of minor league manager Phil Wellman.
If your not familiar with Phil he is the guy who did the crawl to the mound/rosin bag grenade toss move. Arguably the best ever move by a manager in the history of everything in forever. I am convinced that this squirrel busted out a pretty good impression of it and I can’t believe nobody is talking about it. Here is the video of Wellman. Watch the whole thing if you haven’t seen it, but then do me a favor.
Review what goes down at the 1:45 or so mark a few times and then go back to that douchebag squirrel’s video and watch what he does starting at the 00:27 or so mark. Stop now and do it, then read on.
You can’t tell me that prick wasn’t doing a re-enactment! He did it like three times. I’m telling you, as the goat, I know when an animal is really smarter and knows more about the Universe than humans, and squirrels fall into that category. We need to start an oversight committee to keep an eye on what these little bastards are up to. Sure this was a harmless little infiltration by a rogue squirrel, but I think it just goes to show what they would be capable if they ever organize under a powerful leader.
Pricks they are.
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Beantown Weather
Boston MAOctober 11, 2008, 9:03 am 
Sunny
current temperature: 54°Freal feel: 52°F
humidity: 61%
wind speed: 7 mph NNW
Windgusts: 7 mph
sunrise: 6:53
sunset: 18:08
Forecast October 11, 2008 day Sunny
68°F
wind speed: 9 mph E
Windgusts: 11 mphnight 
Mostly clear
50°F
wind speed: 7 mph NW
Windgusts: 9 mph-
Action!