Makin’ Moves (Calling Out The Wonder Boy)

July 30, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 4 Comments 

theo epsteinby the goat… The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim sent Casey Kotchman to Atlanta for Mark Teixeira yesterday. Quite the aggressive move when you consider that Kotchman was leading the Angels in both batting average and RBI. When you then throw in the fact that he is under contract until 2011 while Teixeira is a free agent next year, you realize that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of North America of the Western Hemisphere of Planet Earth are dead set on winning this year. Almost as much as they are dead set on expanding their fan base by incorporating as many geographical locations into their name as possible.

So The Skanks addressed two of their needs with Xavier Nady and lefty specialist (a.k.a. Papi specialist) Damaso Marte and now the Angels are making moves to upgrade already strong positions. Even Milwaukee is being aggressive before the deadline (Sabathia).

You have to start wondering at this point if the Red Sox are as hell bent on repeating as once thought. All this action and all they can talk about is moving their most productive bat of the last seven years? Look, since what took place last week I am done with defending Manny’s character (I still have man love for him though), but let’s be objective for a minute. Value? Impossible. Pat Burrell you say? He is in the midst of a career year sure, but his overall career numbers (.260 AVG… yikes) tell the story, and remember he did that on the senior circuit. Just leave Manny where he is, pick up his option (so he can’t go to the Skankees) and trade him in the off-season.

The Sox need a shortsop and some middle relief to win now. If they don’t address either of those needs, but trade Manny, then I will have no choice but to conclude that they are not 100% dedicated to this season. Call me a cynic, but between this lack of moves, the refusal to pinch hit for Varitek late in games and Tito’s unusually snippy attitude in press conferences I am just not feeling it right now.

Oh Yeah the Sox are 1-7 since the All Star Break against teams that aren’t the horrendously bad Seattle Mariners. So that doesn’t help either.

In conclusion, Theo, I am calling you out Wonder Boy! Let’s see some of that 2004 Orlando Cabrera, Dave Roberts magic! I know you have it in you.

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Minor League Brawl

July 25, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RANDOM WEIRDNESS, RED SOX, VIDEOS · Comment 

by the goat…Wow. By now you’ve probably seen Julio Castillo fire this ball at the opposing teams dugout during a minor league brawl. It ricocheted into the stands and hit a fan. Here’s an excerpt from the ESPN story.

The fan was taken to the hospital after being hit by a ball thrown by Peoria (Cubs) pitcher Julio Castillo, who was throwing at the Dayton (Reds) dugout but missed during the first-inning melee between Midwest League teams.

The fan, who remains unidentified, was treated at Miami Valley Hospital and released, said hospital spokeswoman Nancy Thickel. She didn’t know the extent of the fan’s injuries.

Castillo was arrested and faces one count of felonious assault. He is in the Montgomery County Jail and has a court appearance Friday.

And now the video:

All the baseball writers are saying this is the most disturbing thing they have seen in baseball. Now I have to admit this is disturbing, but in reality it is just the act of a total wuss. You learn not to throw shit in a fight in like first grade. This Castillo fellow is obviously a sociopath.

That said, sociopath’s to me are much less disturbing than psychopaths. Sociopaths are just dumb and don’t know any better, they can smarten up. Psychopaths on the other hand know that what they are doing is insane, but do it anyway.

In my book this video of ex-Red Sox player Izzy Alcantara is the most disturbing thing ever to happen in a baseball game, not to mention the funniest shit on the planet. Izzy is incredibly diabolical, pre-meditated and precise in his plan and execution of this lunacy. It has to be more disturbing than the heat of the moment jackassery that Castillo pulled.

I mean come on, a karate kick to the catcher to make sure he can’t get him from behind, and with no hesitation a sprint to the mound to behead the pitcher? Sorry Julio but Izzy “belongs in Alcatraz” Alcantara has you by a mile.

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Worcester Dirt Bike Rider Busted After Rounding Bases

July 24, 2008 · Filed Under RANDOM WEIRDNESS · 3 Comments 

worcester wormtown

Worcester-A Southbridge Street man was arrested last night shortly after a police officer watched in disbelief as he allegedly sped, on a dirt bike, around the bases of a baseball diamond during a game at Crompton Park.

The man, Johaneth Rivera, 32, of 130 Southbridge St., told Officer William Armstrong that he was riding the motorbike on the field because “no one ever told him he couldn’t”

by the goat… Nice one Wormtown! This one is simple, some guy was just riding around the bases on a dirt bike during a little league game. He tells you that he did it because “no one ever told him he couldn’t”. The reaction to this 100% of the time should be to immediately kick him in the face. Then tell him you did it because… all together now…no one ever told you that you couldn’t.

Also, what the hell kind of name is Johaneth? Did his parents want to name him Johan, but then decided it needed to sound more stately? So they add a Shakespearean suffix to the end of it? Johaneth doth protest!

Here’s one out of New Zealand where apparently the judges have an amazing amount of common sense:

WELLINGTON, New Zealand- A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.

Judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed, he said in a ruling made public Thursday. The girl was involved in a custody battle, he said.

The new name was not made public to protect the girl’s privacy.

“The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child’s parents have shown in choosing this name,” he wrote. “It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily.”

That last quote is the best thing I have heard attributed to a judge in a long while. I wonder what Judge Murfitt would have done if Wormtown’s finest, Johaneth Rivera, had been arraigned in his court room. He would have jumped over the bench and kicked him in the face, that’s what.

Now we just need to set up an extradition agreement between Hollywood and New Zealand. There are a few celebrities there that Judge Murfitt would have a field day with. Here is a list of the first twenty to go.

Oh yeah, this is a sports blog. The Patriots signed first rounder Jerod Mayo, he will be at practice today.

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Manny Caught Jaywalking

July 22, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 2 Comments 

manny high fives a fanFrom The Globe… Seems that Boston slugger Manny Ramirez was leaving the ballpark, with headphones on trying to look inconspicuous and quickly get away from the crowds still leaving the stadium. He started to cross South Royal Brougham Way, against the signals of a traffic cop who was directing pedestrians. The police officer demanded that Ramirez open his wallet and show identification. He warned him that he could face a $500 fine and possible arrest for disobeying a police officer.

It became clear to those watching that the policeman had no idea who Ramirez was. He didn’t ask for an autograph or anything, but did ask Ramirez if he’d attended the game. After the brief lecture, and no argument from Ramirez, the police officer let him go with no further trouble.

By the goat… Alright, what the hell is going on here, he asked Manny if he had attended the game? Someone should fine the cop working detail at a Mariners game for not knowing who the Dominican dude with the dreadlocks is. I am one incident away from posting a leave britney alone style video on youtube about Manny.

Too bad Manny doesn’t play for the Patriots. Nick Kaczur had the charges against him for illegally possessing 202 OxyContin pills dismissed today after paying $355. Let’s recap, Manny threatened with a $500 fine for walking across a street, Kaczur fined $355 for two hundred and two pills of OxyContin.

Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for Nick, but it just helps to put Mannys “crimes” into perspective sometimes. The only thing Manny is guilty of is being the coolest manchild on earth. The Red Sox and The Globe better not be in cahoots again to start a smear campaign against Manny (a-la Nomar). If they run him out of town, mark my words, I will buy a VW bus, grow my own white guy dreads and follow him wherever he goes. It’ll be Manny Tour and I’ll fund it by selling grilled cheese sandwiches in ballpark parking lots.

Sidenote: Jon Lester For President!

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House And Allen Signed

July 21, 2008 · Filed Under CELTICS, NBA · 2 Comments 

eddie houseby the goat… Well there is good news and bad news today from the Celtics. The good news is that they signed Eddie House to a deal where he will make $2.7 million next year and $2.9 million in 2010 if he decides to exercise his option. Good news indeed, House is the M.L. Carr of this incarnation of the Celtics, just replace the towel wave with the double collar pop. His dead eye from long range helps force defenses to return to staying honest on the perimeter when he comes off the bench to replace a struggling Rondo. Excellent signing, couldn’t be happier.

The bad news? Tony Allen signed a two year $5million deal to remain a Celtic as well. By my calculations that means that Tony will make approximately one dollar every time he turns the ball over. Nothing is more frustrating than watching someone dribble around three guys, create an open lane to the basket and dribble the ball off his foot. I am starting to wonder if Tony is dating someone in the organizations daughter or something.

Either way the Celtics are still odds on favorites to go back to back and not even Tony Allen can affect the the elation in Boston right now.

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Danica Patrick And Milka Duno Cat Fight

July 21, 2008 · Filed Under VIDEOS · Comment 

by the goat… Finally Danica Patrick went after someone who could fight back. Danica has made a habit of starting fights with other drivers, and until now, they have all been men. What can you do as a man when you are attacked by a woman in front of tons of video cameras? Not Much, when she shoved Dan Wheldon his only recourse was to walk away.

Finally she messed with another woman, and Milka responded by throwing a towel in her face, twice. Enjoy!

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Garnett Is Officially A Bostonian

July 19, 2008 · Filed Under CELTICS, NBA · 1 Comment 

kevin garnettby the goat… Look at this photo closely, do you notice something? That is K.G. at the ESPY awards. By the way, in case you live under a rock, the Celtics beat out the Red Sox to win team of the year, it seems the only way Boston can lose anything these days is to get beat by… Boston.

Anyway back to Kevin Garnett, in that photo of him at the ESPYs he is wearing diamond studded Red Sox earrings. That’s it, sorry Minnesota, I know it was lightning fast but K.G. is officialy a Boston native son. He is ours. All Garnett Timberwolves jerseys can be turned in at your local post office to be disposed of in a proper fashion.

Has any athlete on the planet ever changed and then subsequently earned his stripes as quick as Garnett? He was traded to Boston on July 31, 2007, K-day, and in less than a year he has chest pounded his way into the hearts of every single notoriously skeptical Bostonian. Intensity and passion will go a long way, winning a championship pretty much gets you there, but to seal the deal? Red Sox earings.

Game over. Break out the baked beans and Sam Adams, Kevin is officially a Bostonian.

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The NHL Is Headed Outdoors Again

July 17, 2008 · Filed Under BRUINS, NHL · 1 Comment 

by the goat…The Detroit Red Wings are going to play the Chicago Blackhawks outdoors at Wrigley Field on New Years Day 2009. This comes on the heels of 72,217 whackos witnessing the Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Buffalo Sabres 2-1 last year in the great outdoors.

What a fantastic idea this is, hockey in it’s natural habitat. I think the Bruins should one up these teams and invite Montreal down to Beantown for a game played on… ready?… a frozen Charles River! That’s right, if you’re gonna get all nostalgic, you might as well bring it way back. River Hockey.

frozen charles river

Anyone who has ever skated on a flooded bog knows how exciting this would be. There is the ever present danger of the puck sliding out over a deep channel and a player falling through the ice while chasing it down. I say if you fall through, that’s it, you’re done for the game.

While we’re at it we’ll have the goals be two of the players shoes, and if the goalie lets the shoes slide apart, it’s fair game to score through them. Oh and no masks for the goalies either so no shots above the knees. If someone misses a pass and the puck goes up the bank? The last player to touch it has to shimmy on his knees into the reeds to get it (can’t risk dinging up the blades). These visual bonuses will be the only possible way more than 27 people would actually go to a Bruins game played outside in January.

Maybe we should totally ignore all the advances we have made as a society for the last hundred years. If you want to go to the game, ride a horse and tie it to a nearby lamppost. Sorry but no gore-tex or Under Armour either, it’s wool and cotton for all. Who cares if you get frostbite and lose a toe, we’re so retro!

Please Boston don’t ever fall into this trend, just about the only thing that makes a Bruins game bearable these days is the warmth, pretzels and beer.

P.S. Manny please just be quiet and hit home runs, if the Red Sox don’t pick up your option next year, I will throw up.

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Posey, Budweiser No Longer “Ours”

July 16, 2008 · Filed Under CELTICS, NBA · 4 Comments 

Posey and Budweiserby the goat… I am not sure what I am more upset about today, on the one hand we have news that James Posey signed a four year $25 million contract with the New Orleans Hornets. Posey won my prestigious “Riding in a convertible with the top down and windows up” award last season for being effective but not looking very good doing it.

On the other hand we have the news that may be the most disturbing thing to happen in many years. InBev, a Belgian brewer has bought Anheuser-Busch. To display the gravity of this situation, here is a list of beers that are no longer American: Read more

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All-Star Game Real Time Commentary

July 15, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 2 Comments 

by the goat…

8:21 - O.K. is there anyone they haven’t introduced yet? The game hasn’t even started and I already want to punch Joe Buck in the face. He just introduced Reggie Jackson’s third cousin who once gave him a ride to a game when his car broke down.

8:26 - Yogi Berra just tried to sell insurance to Joe Mauer, “the kind that doesn’t make it hurt when you get hurt and miss work” great, another Yogi-ism that someone else wrote.

8:31 - Sheryl Crow? She’s from Kennett, Missouri! I’m no historian but I am pretty sure there is at least one singer from New York that knows the words to the National Anthem.

8:34 - Yogi Berra just tried to sell insurance to George Steinbrenner.

8:42 - Is there a baseball game tonight? Oh and is Yankee stadium historic in any way?

8:48 - Best thing Joe Buck has ever said: “Tim I want you to talk about Cliff Lee and I am going to just sit over here and be quiet“.

8:51 - The National League goes down one, two, three in the first, Bud Selig may as well schedule game 1 of the World Series in Boston now.

8:55 - Joe Buck: “Derek Jeter has done nothing but win since coming into the league.” Really Joe, he hasn’t lost one game?

8:58 - Joe Buck: “Here’s a guy (Josh Hamilton) who probably needed help brushing his teeth this morning.”

Tim McCarver: “Does that mean if you hit a lot of home runs you can’t brush your teeth?”

Chalk up a point for Timmy.

9:12 - Is it not ironic that a guy named Milton Bradley sucks at The Game Of Life?

9:23 - Did Joe Buck seriously just ask Yogi Berra about Sarah Jessica-Parker. How does this guy have a job? You can’t think of any other questions to ask a baseball legend at the All-Star Game?

10:53 - J.D. Drew homers! Tie ballgame, now we’re talking.

12:54 - Still going strong in the bottom of the 13th, a couple slices in the microwave, volume down to avoid cutting off my own ears after listening to Joe Buck for two hours longer than 9 out of 10 doctors recommend.

1:05 - If the A.L. wins this game J.D. Drew has to be the MVP, 2 RBI a run scored and a steal in a three run game is nothing to shake a stick at. The only person who has done more to help the American Leage Team is Dan Uggla.

1:09 - I hate to rag on George Sherrill since he has been a great surprise on my fantasy team but what on earth is with that brim? Doesn’t the act of just putting the hat on cause the visor to curl at least a little bit? It looks like he has half a dinner plate sewn into his hat.

1:15 - Who will be the first position player to pitch? I bet the N.L. is really wishing Rick Ankiel had made the roster right now.

1:35 - I am putting the over under at 2 a.m. for when Tito has a nervous breakdown. If it were me I’d just leave Kazmir in there all night, screw the Rays, you wanna sucker punch Coco, here’s your ace back half dead.

1:38 - Well that’s all she wrote, A.L. wins it 4-3 in 15. Looks like Terry will live another day. Signing off on our first and possibly last real time commentary, the goat.

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