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The New School (excerpts from lesson 1)

July 2, 2008 · Filed Under NFL 

cedric bensonby the goat.. I really think it’s high time the NFL just cuts to the chase, instead of trying to educate players about common pitfalls and how to stay out of trouble, they should just start teaching them how to not get caught.

These guys are obviously not going to stop doing illegal things, they’ve proven this time after time, so the NFL might as well teach them to use some methods that will help them avoid the law. Obviously whatever they are teaching in their character building classes isn’t working and they need to change tactics.

So without further ado, here is a few lesson plans from Don’t Get Caught 101:

Lesson 1: Hire a friggin’ limo will you? Seriously, how are any of these guys still driving around drunk? Come to think of it buy a limo, they’re cheaper than Bentleys. Are you honestly thinking the “I am so and so from the Cowboys” routine will work when you get pulled over? Cops are not impressed by people who are impressed by themselves, period. Get over it and get a limo.

Lesson 2: Pay someone to carry all of your drugs for you at all times. We all know that professional athletes pay their homeys to do menial tasks like keeping their rims clean already. So just designate one as the official drug holder. If I was playing for the Pats I would have someone on my payroll just to carry around a fresh pair of boxers for me in case mine get too sweaty, have that guy carry your drugs too.

Lesson 3: Stop hitting your wife.

Lesson 4: Screw the club. If you feel the need to drink Cristal out of a goblet around a bunch of superficial windbags, have a party, at YOUR house. If you are so socially inept that you can’t get ladies to your house even though you are a professional athlete with tons of money then I have a super secret solution for you. Craigslist!

Lesson 5: This is the one and done rule. Let’s say by chance you do get caught and get arrested, and let’s say it’s in Miami. If you have been quoted in thousands of newspapers and court reports claiming that the police are at fault due to the fact they are idiots, DO NOT go back to Miami. One and done, move on to Vegas.

That covers lesson one, we will be holding an advanced class next semester. It’s not hard to stay out of “the system” with this proven system.

If you are listening Goodell, a simple link from the nfl.com individual stat page to craigslist will cut your player arrest rate in half.

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