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I Guess I’m Moving To Montana
by the goat… Remember pre - ‘04 Boston? How hard it was to live with the so called curse of the Bambino? Well imagine being from Montana, and the only thing anyone ever learns about your state is The Battle Of Little Bighorn.
While we had to live with Bucky “fucking” Dent and his game winning home run, the people of Montana have Sitting “fucking” Bull. I am sure it only got worse in the latter years as Americans have begun to finally empathize with the plight of the Native Americans.
You know who is from Montana? Bobby Petrino and Ryan Leaf. Not even Evel Knievel and Dana Carvey can make up for those two.
Well laugh no more! Montana has been redeemed and has now taken the lead as the most progressive state in the union. That’s right kids, Montana has started a state run gambling game, much like our Keno, that is based on fantasy football.
What a country! Montana is bringing it and if Massachusetts doesn’t smarten up and follow suit real soon, this billy goat is going to be headed to Montana via REI. I’ll grab the mountain climbing starter kit and go visit my cousins in the Rockies.
Another Title For Massachusetts!
by the goat… Remember when I said a while back that at this point Massachusetts could probably win a war with China. Well here we go again. William “Chopper” Young of Wellfleet has won the Guinness World Oyster Opening (shucking to you and I) Championships in Galway, Ireland. story here
What a great frickin’ nickname.
The best part of the story is that he uses an un-orthodox side opening technique and when he got to Ireland he realized it wouldn’t work there. You see Kelly Galway oysters are harder to open than ours and his knife was too thin. So what does “Chopper” do? Cry? Go home? NO! He borrows a knife from a Swedish dude and adapts, overcomes and wins the whole shebang and brings the trophy back to Mass-a-fucking-chusetts!
Here in the Holy Land, the mecca if you will, the trophy will feel right at home. If it gets lonely it can hang out with some other notable trophies that the “Great” Bay State has won in the last few years.
There are the big three of course, the NBA championship, the NFL championship and the MLB championship trophies respectfully.
There is the college hockey championship won by Boston College.
There is the Cup Stacking World Championship trophy won by Steven Purugganan of Longmeadow, MA. story here
There is the Vegas Stripper Pole Dancing trophy won by Somerville’s own Danielle Rueda-Watts, who was cheered on by the World Champion Boston Celtics while they were in Vegas fresh off their victory. story here
Let’s not forget the pride of Chicopee, Sean Sears, who brought home the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship Trophy. story here
To use the parlance of our times, I mean OMG WTF? Massachusetts is on fire!
By the way BSP would like to wish Happy Birthdays to two great icons of sport: Chi Chi Rodriguez and Natick’s own Doug Flutie.
Cape Sauce (careful it’s drippy)
Editor’s note: Today we have another post from the great Tiny Danza
by Tiny Danza… While an entire nation mourns a season interrupted and The Goat wakes-up in a sea of Natural light cans, let us take a moment for some acknowledgement with some local flavor. No, not the winner of the Teaticket 500 but YOUR 2008 Cape league/MLB ALL-STARS.
Yes Tiny Danza has taken the privilege of assembling this year’s squad complete with yearend stats, line-up, rotation, bullpen, bench, and one illustrious post-season award. Although only one of the fellows on this year’s squad are actually “locals” (Pena is from Haverhill via Dominica) they have all crossed the bridge, sipped on chowdah, swam at our beaches, played on our fields, drank at our bars and perhaps even served you ice-cream, sold you butts, aided in your (my) quest for crab ointment, bagged your groceries, and/or your girlfriend.
If you’re not aware, you best recognize the best amateur baseball league on the planet right in your backyahd. This writers memories go back to the days of the Sid Bream, and Sam Natille who although didn’t quite get to Boston made a lasting impression with his prodigious blasts which routinely approached the goal posts on the Sheraton side of Fuller/Arney Allen Field. 16 of this rosters 24 players were represented in this post season while 4 will play in the World Series.
EVEN the television booth is represented in the person of Ron Darling. Who won the MVP of the ‘80 Cape League All-Star game played at Yankee Stadium by only hitting a single, double and a homer while also coming in from left field to close out a 10-9 game. For those of you who don’t subscribe to the baseball prospectus and/or read Bill James regularly OPS is simply a combination of Slg. % and On-base percentage and has become a highly utilized barometer of offensive merit. All other stats and ramblings should be self explanatory if not entertaining.
So sit down and enjoy a team with numerous MVP candidates, A Cy-Young Lock, a plethora of All-Stars, two Jews, a Jamaican, a Man-Crush, Douche’ Sauce, Porn Star, Tattoo, Dance Fever and “Nights in Rodanthe” references, potential bus drivers, AND paperboys. And do yourself a favor next summer and check out as many Cape league games as possible, you’ll thank me later.
2008 CAPE LEAGUE /MLB ALL-STARS: Line-up
1. K. Youkilis: 1B BoSox/Bourne ‘00 Avg. .312 – OPS .959 HR 29 – RBI 115
Even the most ardent of Chowdah’ heads didn’t expect THIS kind of production from Yooooouk, a viable MVP candidate. Despite being advertised as the “Greek God of Walks”, Youk is actually the “Jewish King of Beantown”.
2. L. Berkman: O.F. Astros/Wareham ‘96 Avg. .312 - OPS .987- HR 29 - RBI 106 - R 114
Carried this team for much of the year and will receive MVP votes while his team’s struggle to finish reminded many of a poor Peter North performance.
3. R. Braun: O.F. Brew Crew/ Brewster ‘04 Avg. .285- OPS .888 — HR 37 - RBI 106 —
Was an MVP candidate throughout most of the season despite missing time to injury while more importantly before he’s all done will approach Greenberg and Kofax for best Jewish ballers of all time? Oy Vey!
4. M. Teixiera D.H. Rangers-Angels/ Orleans ‘99 AVG. .308 - OPS .962 - HR 33 - RBI 121
Emerging superstar whose gold glove caliber D takes a backseat to Youk’s Gold Glove and will represent as the D.H.. Due for a huge payday as this off-seasons biggest catch while he’s dispelled rumors he was born/raised in E. Falmouth and once drove bus #44.
5. C. Utley 2nd Phil’s/Brewster’98-Cotuit’99 AVG. 292 - OPS .915 - HR 33 - RBI 104 - R 113
One of many MVP candidates but the only one who delivers the Cape Cod Times in the off-season. Monster power, cuddly face.
6. E. Longoria 3rd Rays/ Chatham ‘05 AVG. 272 - OPS .874 - HR 27 - RBI 85
Young (23), emerging superstar just edges out Nation man-crush Mike Lowell. He put up these numbers despite not making the team out of spring training and missing time (1 month) with a broken wrist. Nation found out about this young man’s power, poise and glove the hard way.
7. J. Bay O.F. Pirates-Sox/ Chatham ‘99 AVG. 286. - OPS .895 - HR 31 - RBI 101 - R 111
Put up very good numbers in the first half despite being protected in the Pirates lineup by Doug Mientkiewicz! Yeah THAT Mientkiewicz!! (Which is Polish for “douche sauce” by the way). JBay showed he belongs with play-off breakout with Bosox.
8. K. Shoppach C Indians/Harwich ‘00 AVG .261 - HR. 21 - RBI 55
Despite so-so numbers ex-Sox farm hand relegates our Capt. to a cameo role fitting for Alfred Hitchock, while Tek possessed numbers twice as spooky.
9. R. Theriot S.S Chi Cubs/Wareham ‘00 Avg. .307 — .387 OBP — 22 steals
Although not a household name Ryan has had “Dance Fever”, yes it’s pronounced Terrio, around the bases for the Cubbies’ all season.
Bench: Ellsbury O.F. 50 steals Roberts 2nd .296 40 steals
Burrell O.F. 33 HR V-Tek C Capt.
Pena 1B 31 HR - 101 RBI Lowell 3rd Man Sauce
PITCHERS:
S.P.1 T. Lincecum Giants/ Harwich ‘05 Look at his numbers and then his team (second fewest runs in the National league) and then say the 2008 National League Cy Young award goes to… 18-5 ERA 2.62 K/BB/IN 265/84/227
S.P.2 B. Sheets Brewers/Wareham ‘98-Orleans ‘99 Every year the MLB ALL-Star game was played in New York city the starting pitcher for the National league also started Game 1 of the World series. Well that’s until Ben Sheets and this year’s Crew of course. 13-9 ERA 3.09 K/BB/IN 158/47/198
S.P. 3 J. Saunders Angels/ Harwich ‘01 Came out of now where to take over Weaver’s expected role, help the Angles produce the best record in baseball, and subsequently dismissed like a child in the first round. 17-7 ERA 3.41 K/BB/INN 103/53/198
S.P. 4 S. Marcum Jays/Harwich ‘02 Promising young starter who posted decent numbers despite being plagued with injuries much of the season and pitching for an offense with as punch as Glass Joe. 9-7 ERA 3.39 K/BB/IN 123/50/151
PEN
R.P. 1 B. Morrow Mariners/Y.D. ‘04-05 Filled in nicely while J.J. “watch your Mouth” Putz was down and is a burgeoning star as a starter. ERA - 3.34 K/IN - 75/64 S V- 10
R.P. 2 J. Masterson Sox/ Wareham ‘05 Tito’s confidence in Big J. superseded that of M.D.C as the season progressed while one of the biggest off-season questions for Theo and the boys will be his role entering the spring. Not great numbers but being born in Kingston, Jamaica gives him extra points here. Eire mon! ERA 3.16 - 6-5 K/IN/BB 68/88/40
R.P. 3 J.P Howell Rays/Bourne’02-Wareham ‘03 Aided a patch-work yet very effective bullpen for the feel good story of the year “you can call me…Rays”. Well besides “Nights in Rodanthe” of course…Fills the lefty role in this pen. ERA 2.22 6-1 K/IN/BB 92/89/39
R.P. 4 J.J. Putz Mariners/Y-D ‘97-Hyannis ‘98 The aforementioned Putz, watch your mouth, put together an O.K. season despite injuries and the fact that he pitched for the worst team in baseball, well the Nat’s don’t count. ERA - 3.88 K/IN- 56/46 SV 15
Closer B. Wagner Metropolitans/Brewstah ‘92 Still throws flames despite Herve’ Villechaize like frame and his injury was directly related to Mets 2nd consecutive (chuckle) collapse.
ERA- 2.25 K/BB 45/9 BB SV- 23
- Post Season Award….. MVP = Rocky Cherry Baltimore/ Brewster ‘00 - Wins because his name could’ve fit nicely on a Combat Zone marquee and That’s all that really matters.
Palin Kills Republicans Chances In Red Sox Nation
by the goat… Oh my god Sarah Palin scares the crap out of me. Besides the famous Matt Damon question of whether or not dinosaurs actually existed (click here for the video), there is now a new and even more frightening development… She is using voters sports loyalties to enhance her political rhetoric! (GASP!) This has gone to far. Here is an excerpt from the New York Times:
Ms. Palin visited Salem, N.H. Wednesday night and said she looked forward to watching Senator John McCain debate Senator Barack Obama “right here, in the heart of Red Sox Nation.” Ms. Palin said that “Red Sox fans know how to turn an underdog into a victor,” a timely applause line given that the Sox trail the Tampa Bay Rays three-games-to-one in the best-of-seven American League Championship Series.
It seems, however, that Ms. Palin voiced a similar sentiment - actually, identical sentiment - last week at a rally in Florida.”How about those Tampa Bay Rays?” Ms. Palin said after the Rays defeated the Chicago White Sox.
“You know what that tells me? It tells me that the people in this area know a little something about turning an underdog into a victor.”
This bitch must be stopped! We don’t like to get political here on BSP, but we would call anyone from any party out for this crap.
Seriously, shouldn’t a Vice Presidential candidate be disqualified just for thinking they can get away with this shit? Has Sarah Palin ever heard of recording devices? The Internet? Sports Blogs? Do they have any of these things in Ruktkeytucktuk Alaska or wherever she hails from?
I mean I can understand not believing in evolution, some people are not very bright.
I can get past her saying that if the “under god” part of the pledge of allegiance was good enough for the founding fathers then it is good enough for her (The pledge of allegiance was written in 1892). Some people don’t know U.S. history.
I can get past her wanting to turn Alaska into a 19th century Lowell and the Bering Sea into a 20th century Charles River. How else will she pay for the gas to drive her illegitimate grandchild and friends to the hockey rink in her Escalade? Oh and fuck Polar Bears, they don’t do shit for us anyway.
I can get past the fact that it took her six colleges to get a Bachelor’s degree, although that does make half my retarded friends qualified to be V.P.
What I can not get past is rallying Red Sox nation with the same battle cry earlier bestowed upon the 17 fans of the Tampa Bay Gays. This my friends is inexcusable, it almost makes me wish goats could vote.
Click here for a glimpse into the oval office if Palin becomes president. Make sure to have your volume up and and click on as much stuff as possible!
Simmons Beat Me To It
by the goat… Well it has come to my attention that Bill Simmons of ESPN has beat me to the punch with a why it’s not Manny’s fault story. I was just about done with mine when I read his and honestly it goes into it much deeper. Anyone who reads this story (all the way through) and still hates Manny is a moron.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=manny
These Dogs Are Pissed And I Don’t Give A Fuck.
by the goat…I have been getting a lot of emails asking where part two of the Manny man love post is. Well I’ve been out of town, goats have lives too. It’s on it’s way I promise.
In the meantime, look how absolutely utterly pissed off these dogs are to have owners that are assholes, it’s kind of funny how their toolbag of an owner gets uncomfortable when he realizes that he is such a douche that he just ended his relationship with his dogs. So then he blames it on his girl. Extra douche sauce please!:
No I am not amused! Where the fuck is your light saber?! I can only wish someone will take a light saber to your helmet soon you asshole!
I know this is a cheap way out of writing anything of substance but I don’t give a fuck, not giving a fuck is great. You should try it:
See ya soon… fuck.
Mark McGuire vs. Hannibal Smith vs. Cousin Eddie
by the goat… Today we have the first ever birthday showdown here at BSP. On this day three great (or once great) Americans were born. That’s right. Mark McGuire, George Peppard and Randy Quaid all share October 1st as their day of birth. In celebration we are going to run a showdown poll to decide who would kick who’s ass.
Of course we need to throw in a little twist, so the face off will be between Mark and two of Randy and George’s most memorable roles.
The rules are simple, we are voting for who would win in a no holds barred street fight. Weapons are not allowed to be brought from home, but fighters may pick up anything lying around and use it. Other than that there are no rules, anything goes.
And now without further ado here are the contenders:
Coming in at 6′ 0″ tall and 175 pounds (210 with the cigar) is Hannibal Smith of the illustrious A-Team (Peppard)
Up next coming in at 6′ 5″ and 230 pounds (1998) 5′ 10″ 160 pounds (today) is Mark McGuire:
And finally measuring 6′ 5″ and weighing 245 pounds, from Vacation, Cousin Eddie (Quaid):
Here is my prediction; McGuire gets so wrapped up in dodging questions from the media that he gets blindsided early by Hannibal who burns his retnas out with his cigar. A blinded McGuire then haphazardly stumbles into Cousin Eddie, spilling his Milwaukee’s Best.
Cousin Eddie promptly chokes McGuire to death with his beer soaked shirt, slurping up the beer leaking from the tightly twisted shirt while doing the choking… impressive move to say the least. Bottom line is that ‘98 McGuire might have stood a chance, but post-juice he is no match for these two highly trained professionals.
Cousin Eddie then turns his attention to Hannibal who throws his cigar at Eddie chinese star style. Eddie removes his own cigar from his mouth just in time to catch Hannibals cigar in his teeth. Eddie then promptly and simultaneously takes a drag off of Hannibal’s cigar and rifles his own towards him. A move which allows Cousin Eddie to keep his streak of 7,634 consecutive breaths full of cigar smoke alive.
Hannibal, stunned by the cat like reflexes, freezes and is struck in the face. Eddie, smelling victory, finishes the weakened Smith off by suffocating him with his rabbit fur hat. Eddie then proceeds to empty his RV toilet by pouring the contents over the dead bodies of McGuire and Hannibal with the hose. All the while muttering “the shitter was full, the shitter was full” repeatedly under his breath:
Bottom line is I believe Cousin Eddie takes it due to him being 100% bat shit crazy. I’ll take insane over training all day. What do you think?
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Beantown Weather
Boston MANovember 21, 2008, 6:18 am 
Partly cloudy
current temperature: 27°Freal feel: 16°F
humidity: 50%
wind speed: 9 mph W
Windgusts: 9 mph
sunrise: 6:43
sunset: 16:17
Forecast November 21, 2008 day 
Intermittent clouds
36°F
wind speed: 9 mph WNW
Windgusts: 16 mphnight 
Mostly cloudy
22°F
wind speed: 22 mph NW
Windgusts: 43 mph-
Action!