Cape Sauce (careful it’s drippy)

October 21, 2008 · Filed Under MLB · 2 Comments 

Editor’s note: Today we have another post from the great Tiny Danza

by Tiny Danza… While an entire nation mourns a season interrupted and The Goat wakes-up in a sea of Natural light cans, let us take a moment for some acknowledgement with some local flavor.   No, not the winner of the Teaticket 500 but YOUR 2008 Cape league/MLB ALL-STARS.

Yes Tiny Danza has taken the privilege of assembling this year’s squad complete with yearend stats, line-up, rotation, bullpen, bench, and one illustrious post-season award.  Although only one of the fellows on this year’s squad are actually “locals” (Pena is from Haverhill via Dominica)  they have all crossed the bridge, sipped on chowdah, swam at our beaches, played on our fields, drank at our bars and perhaps even served you ice-cream, sold you butts, aided in your (my) quest for crab ointment, bagged your groceries, and/or your girlfriend.

If you’re not aware, you best recognize the best amateur baseball league on the planet right in your backyahd. This writers memories go back to the days of the Sid Bream, and Sam Natille who although didn’t quite get to Boston made a lasting impression with his prodigious blasts which routinely approached the goal posts on the Sheraton side of Fuller/Arney Allen Field.  16 of this rosters 24 players were represented in this post season while 4 will play in the World Series.

EVEN the television booth is represented in the person of Ron Darling.  Who won the MVP of the ‘80 Cape League All-Star game played at Yankee Stadium by only hitting a single, double and a homer while also coming in from left field to close out a 10-9 game.  For those of you who don’t subscribe to the baseball prospectus and/or read Bill James regularly OPS is simply a combination of Slg. % and On-base percentage and has become a highly utilized barometer of offensive merit.  All other stats and ramblings should be self explanatory if not entertaining.

So sit down and enjoy a team with numerous MVP candidates, A Cy-Young Lock, a plethora of All-Stars, two Jews, a Jamaican, a Man-Crush, Douche’ Sauce, Porn Star, Tattoo, Dance Fever  and “Nights in Rodanthe” references, potential bus drivers, AND paperboys.   And do yourself a favor next summer and check out as many Cape league games as possible, you’ll thank me later.

2008 CAPE LEAGUE /MLB ALL-STARS:      Line-up

1. K. Youkilis: 1B BoSox/Bourne ‘00    Avg. .312 –  OPS .959   HR 29  –   RBI 115

Even the most ardent of Chowdah’ heads didn’t expect THIS kind of production from Yooooouk, a viable MVP candidate.  Despite being advertised as the “Greek God of Walks”, Youk is actually the “Jewish King of Beantown”.

2. L. Berkman: O.F. Astros/Wareham ‘96   Avg. .312 - OPS .987- HR  29 - RBI  106 - R 114

Carried this team for much of the year and will receive MVP votes while his team’s struggle to finish reminded many of a poor Peter North performance.

3. R. Braun: O.F.  Brew Crew/ Brewster ‘04   Avg.  .285- OPS .888 — HR 37 - RBI 106 —

Was an MVP candidate throughout most of the season despite missing time to injury while more importantly before he’s all done will approach Greenberg and Kofax for best Jewish ballers of all time?     Oy Vey!

4. M. Teixiera D.H. Rangers-Angels/ Orleans ‘99  AVG. .308 - OPS .962 - HR 33 - RBI  121

Emerging superstar whose gold glove caliber D takes a backseat to Youk’s Gold Glove and will represent as the D.H..  Due for a huge payday as this off-seasons biggest catch while he’s dispelled rumors he was born/raised in E. Falmouth and once drove bus #44.

5. C. Utley  2nd Phil’s/Brewster’98-Cotuit’99   AVG. 292 - OPS .915 - HR 33 - RBI 104 - R  113

One of many MVP candidates but the only one who delivers the Cape Cod Times in the off-season.    Monster power, cuddly face.

6. E. Longoria 3rd Rays/ Chatham ‘05  AVG. 272 - OPS .874 - HR 27 - RBI 85

Young (23), emerging superstar just edges out Nation man-crush Mike Lowell. He put up these numbers despite not making the team out of spring training and missing time (1 month) with a broken wrist.   Nation found out about this young man’s power, poise and glove the hard way.

7. J. Bay O.F. Pirates-Sox/ Chatham ‘99   AVG. 286. - OPS .895 - HR 31 - RBI 101 - R  111

Put up very good numbers in the first half despite being protected in the Pirates lineup by Doug Mientkiewicz!  Yeah THAT Mientkiewicz!!  (Which is Polish for “douche sauce” by the way).  JBay showed he belongs with play-off breakout with Bosox.

8. K. Shoppach C  Indians/Harwich ‘00   AVG .261 - HR. 21 - RBI 55

Despite so-so numbers ex-Sox farm hand relegates our Capt. to a cameo role fitting for Alfred Hitchock, while Tek possessed numbers twice as spooky.

9. R. Theriot  S.S  Chi Cubs/Wareham ‘00   Avg. .307 — .387 OBP — 22 steals

Although not a household name Ryan has had “Dance Fever”, yes it’s pronounced Terrio, around the bases for the Cubbies’ all season.

Bench: Ellsbury O.F.   50 steals                                            Roberts 2nd .296     40 steals

Burrell O.F.      33 HR                                                 V-Tek C          Capt.

Pena 1B           31 HR - 101 RBI                               Lowell 3rd Man Sauce

PITCHERS:

S.P.1    T. Lincecum  Giants/ Harwich ‘05 Look at his numbers and then his team (second fewest runs in the National league) and then say the 2008 National League Cy Young award goes to…                                                    18-5     ERA 2.62       K/BB/IN    265/84/227

S.P.2   B. Sheets Brewers/Wareham ‘98-Orleans ‘99 Every year the MLB ALL-Star game was played in New York city the starting pitcher for the National league also started Game 1 of the World series. Well that’s until Ben Sheets and this year’s Crew of course.    13-9       ERA 3.09           K/BB/IN    158/47/198

S.P. 3    J. Saunders Angels/ Harwich ‘01 Came out of now where to take over Weaver’s expected role, help the Angles produce the best record in baseball, and subsequently dismissed like a child in the first round.             17-7                     ERA 3.41           K/BB/INN   103/53/198

S.P. 4    S. Marcum Jays/Harwich ‘02 Promising young starter who posted decent numbers despite being plagued with injuries much of the season and pitching for an offense with as punch as Glass Joe.                                   9-7              ERA 3.39           K/BB/IN      123/50/151

PEN

R.P. 1    B. Morrow Mariners/Y.D. ‘04-05 Filled in nicely while  J.J. “watch your Mouth” Putz was down and is a burgeoning star as a starter.   ERA - 3.34              K/IN - 75/64                        S V- 10

R.P. 2   J.  Masterson  Sox/ Wareham ‘05 Tito’s confidence in Big J. superseded that of M.D.C as the season progressed while  one of the biggest off-season questions for Theo and the boys will be his role entering the spring.  Not great numbers but being born in Kingston, Jamaica gives him extra points here. Eire mon!    ERA 3.16 - 6-5    K/IN/BB    68/88/40

R.P. 3  J.P  Howell Rays/Bourne’02-Wareham ‘03 Aided a patch-work yet very effective bullpen for the feel good story of the year “you can call me…Rays”.  Well besides “Nights in Rodanthe” of course…Fills the lefty role in this pen.     ERA 2.22    6-1      K/IN/BB   92/89/39

R.P. 4    J.J. Putz  Mariners/Y-D ‘97-Hyannis ‘98 The aforementioned Putz, watch your mouth, put together an O.K. season despite injuries and the fact that he pitched for the worst team in baseball, well the Nat’s don’t count.  ERA - 3.88             K/IN- 56/46                            SV 15

Closer  B. Wagner Metropolitans/Brewstah ‘92 Still throws flames despite Herve’ Villechaize like frame and his injury was directly related to Mets 2nd consecutive (chuckle) collapse.

ERA- 2.25              K/BB  45/9 BB                        SV- 23

  • Post Season Award….. MVP = Rocky Cherry Baltimore/ Brewster ‘00 - Wins because his name could’ve fit nicely on a Combat Zone marquee and That’s all that really matters.

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Palin Kills Republicans Chances In Red Sox Nation

October 16, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, Uncategorized · 5 Comments 

by the goat… Oh my god Sarah Palin scares the crap out of me. Besides the famous Matt Damon question of whether or not dinosaurs actually existed (click here for the video), there is now a new and even more frightening development… She is using voters sports loyalties to enhance her political rhetoric! (GASP!) This has gone to far. Here is an excerpt from the New York Times:

Ms. Palin visited Salem, N.H. Wednesday night and said she looked forward to watching Senator John McCain debate Senator Barack Obama “right here, in the heart of Red Sox Nation.” Ms. Palin said that “Red Sox fans know how to turn an underdog into a victor,” a timely applause line given that the Sox trail the Tampa Bay Rays three-games-to-one in the best-of-seven American League Championship Series.

It seems, however, that Ms. Palin voiced a similar sentiment - actually, identical sentiment - last week at a rally in Florida.”How about those Tampa Bay Rays?” Ms. Palin said after the Rays defeated the Chicago White Sox.

“You know what that tells me? It tells me that the people in this area know a little something about turning an underdog into a victor.”

This bitch must be stopped! We don’t like to get political here on BSP, but we would call anyone from any party out for this crap.

Seriously, shouldn’t a Vice Presidential candidate be disqualified just for thinking they can get away with this shit? Has Sarah Palin ever heard of recording devices? The Internet? Sports Blogs? Do they have any of these things in Ruktkeytucktuk Alaska or wherever she hails from?

I mean I can understand not believing in evolution, some people are not very bright.

I can get past her saying that if the “under god” part of the pledge of allegiance was good enough for the founding fathers then it is good enough for her (The pledge of allegiance was written in 1892). Some people don’t know U.S. history.

I can get past her wanting to turn Alaska into a 19th century Lowell and the Bering Sea into a 20th century Charles River. How else will she pay for the gas to drive her illegitimate grandchild and friends to the hockey rink in her Escalade? Oh and fuck Polar Bears, they don’t do shit for us anyway.

I can get past the fact that it took her six colleges to get a Bachelor’s degree, although that does make half my retarded friends qualified to be V.P.

What I can not get past is rallying Red Sox nation with the same battle cry earlier bestowed upon the 17 fans of the Tampa Bay Gays. This my friends is inexcusable, it almost makes me wish goats could vote.

Click here for a glimpse into the oval office if Palin becomes president. Make sure to have your volume up and and click on as much stuff as possible!

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My Last Manny Man Love Post (Part 1)

September 29, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 1 Comment 

by the goat… I know, I know I need to let it go, but we have until wednesday before the MLB playoffs start and the Patriots had a bye week (hopefully Tom Brady got #12 sewn up by now so he can stop wearing #16). There is nothing much to talk about, so I am sneaking in my last Manny post (which conviently has two parts).

Manny opened up a bit in an interview with T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times recently and the big picture is starting to develop. It is hard to piece it all together living under the spell of the Boston media, so I am going to lay it out for everyone.

Most people here get 90% of their Red Sox “news” from Dan Shaughnessy and Bob Ryan, the two worst reporters in the history of the english language. Bob is just an out of touch toolbag who for the last five years has been on a constant audition for ESPN with his over the top schtick. Dan Shaughnessy should be writing for the National Enquirer. His stories are rarely true and are so sensational that they should have original Batman television show style cartoon captions accompanying them. “Manny ate Terry Francona’s baby!” Kapow!

All of these stories that came out about Manny’s antics, they were leaked by the Red Sox to douches like Shaughnessy by other douches in the Red Sox front office (alot of douching, I know). Namely Larry Luchino. It is what he does when they are about to make a trade involving a beloved player. He did it to Nomar Garciaparra. He leaked stories about him faking an injury to get people to think Nomar had to go. It is a crap tactic and Theo was so pissed over it that he quit and fled Fenway in a gorilla suit. Now I am not saying Manny didn’t want to get traded, I am just saying that the story we were getting was nothing more than Red Sox propaganda filtered by tabloid reporters. Think about it.

As all loyal B.S.P. readers know, I have long professed my undying man love for Manny, so I do not claim to be 100% objective either. I just want to get the other side of the story out there for some of you who don’t read everything you can on the greatest manchild in the history of baseball.

In the interview with Simers Manny made a few key points about the lack of privacy for him in Boston, and how he felt like he was living in a cage. I want to point out that this supposed fire breathing, horrible teammate, never threw one person under the bus by name. He also goes out of his way to say that he loved the fans, he just hated, get ready for the big surprise… Read more

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Welcome To The Machine

September 26, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 3 Comments 

-Today we have the much anticipated debut post of Tiny Danza. He brings it hard as expected, coming right out of the gates with a fuck you to the Yankees and the Pink Hats of Sox Nation. Nice work Tiny.

- by Tiny Danza… Earnest Hemingway once wrote in The Old Man and the Sea - “…Son never lose faith in the Yankees.” Well fuck Hemingway! He ended up in Cuba anyway didn’t he? And fuck The Yankees! Their season, dynasty and crummy little “house” have all crumbled before our very eyes. And while the love fest at B.S.P is going down I’m comin’ with a lovin’ spoonful for my main man Theo “Boy Genius” Epstein. While many of us were crying in our Yaz painter’s caps because Billy “Moneyball” Beane spurned the Sox and their lucrative offer in ‘02 to take over baseball operations. The Sox subsequently hired a young nobody and Luchino protege named Theo Epstein. Upon being hired Theo outlined 4 prominent organizational goals which are outlined and dissected in the proceeding paragraphs:

1. Re-build the moribund minor league system by making it a “…player development machine” -Check

The Yankee dynasty of yesteryear was not solely the by-product of the Steinbrenner Cabbage farm, but came to fruition in spite of it. Contrary to popular belief those Championship Yankee teams were built upon the backs of: Jeter, Rivera, Posada, Pettite, Williams, Soriano and Mendoza (yes there WAS a time he was very effective) all drafted and developed in their system to form a rock solid nucleus. Homegrown cheap talent filling spots at: S.S., CL, C, SP, C.F, 2nd, RP encompassing the most important positions in middle of the field.

Possessing upwards $200 million didn’t hurt either, well at least not at first. You see having that much Cabbage allows teams/G.M.’S to be more aggressive but also allows/exaggerates their mistakes e.g., Pavano, Irabu, Giambi, etc. etc.. And like the call of the siren, the allure of pricey free-agents and sexy trades at the expense of young/cheap talent will leave your franchise stranded on the rocks for YEARS. Just LOOK at the Yankees pitching staff for next year as proof. $200 mill and you’ve got: Rivera, Joba, and well…. SHITE! Hughes and Kennedy have been less productive than Irabu the infamous “Fat Toad” in the popular Yankee fable. Mussina and Pettite both faced Honus Wagner as rookies while Pavano will be retiring giving his body to medical research. A confluence of events that’s left the once proud Yankee farm system as potent as a Giuliani seamen sample and the roster just as useless. All the while BOY WONDER has stockpiled: Beckett (TRD), Dice (FA), Lester, Delcarmen and Papelbon in their collective prime, with Bucholz, Masterson, Bowden, and Bard on the horizon. Not to mention: Youk, Pedroia, Ellsbury, Lowrie in the everyday line-up with Lars Anderson, and Argenis “I’ll win 8 gold gloves” Diaz on their way. The indisputable fact remains that in 4 years the Sox farm system has gone from laughing stock to “player development machine”. Welcome to the machine my friends welcome.

2. Reach the Post-season every year - *5 out of 6

Technically *4 of 5 as Theo’s contract dispute kept him Read more

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The Thrill Is Gone

September 17, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, NFL, PATRIOTS, RED SOX · 1 Comment 

by the goat… Is it just me or has this pennant race been less exciting than a pre-season curling match between Rolling Dust Retirement Home and Trembling Hills Recovery Hospital? It is just impossible to get fired up about a Red Sox series/race with the Tampa Bay Gays.

There is no giddiness, no hatred, no feelings of urgency. Let the Rays win it, they aren’t going anywhere in the playoffs anyway. No matter when it happens the Sox/Angels series is going to be the true ALCS.

I am about to say the most ridiculous thing I have ever said in my life… I miss the Yankees. They’re kind of like the friend you had in high school that you’re not sure how you even became friends with. The one who annoys the shit out of you, but then you miss him when he’s gone.

Screw the Rays and their six fans.

On another note, the Patriots are back to playing boring ass football too. Defense and Special Teams, Yawn. Another championship on it’s way, hooray Boston. All this winning is seriously getting tiresome. Even Brady still just looked “normal” last Sunday. His shirt must have been ripped worse than thought because he is still wearing number 16 for some reason.

I am surprised we haven’t heard anything about Tom abandoning number 12, I would think the media would notice something like that. Oh well, he is the best quarterback in the world no matter what number he wears.

Somebody give the goat something to get excited about. Maybe the Bruins will pull a deep playoff contender out of their ass this season. Yeah, and maybe Fenway will sell dollar drafts throughout the playoffs.

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Squirrels Are Pricks

September 5, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RANDOM WEIRDNESS, VIDEOS · Comment 

by the goat… Since good things come in three’s we might as well do another video post. If this video doesn’t convince you that squirrels are genuine assholes I don’t know what will. As a disclaimer you should probably know that goats and squirrels are natural enemies. I have been in a deep feud with a squirrel for some time, but that is a post for another day.

In this video you can clearly see that the squirrel is just messing with the players. He knows exactly what he is doing and is loving every minute of it:

The announcers had a few funny lines in there, turning it into a football play by play call wasn’t bad. What I can’t believe is that nobody noticed (and hasn’t since) that this squirrel was so obviously doing an imitation of minor league manager Phil Wellman.

If your not familiar with Phil he is the guy who did the crawl to the mound/rosin bag grenade toss move. Arguably the best ever move by a manager in the history of everything in forever. I am convinced that this squirrel busted out a pretty good impression of it and I can’t believe nobody is talking about it. Here is the video of Wellman. Watch the whole thing if you haven’t seen it, but then do me a favor.

Review what goes down at the 1:45 or so mark a few times and then go back to that douchebag squirrel’s video and watch what he does starting at the 00:27 or so mark. Stop now and do it, then read on.

You can’t tell me that prick wasn’t doing a re-enactment! He did it like three times. I’m telling you, as the goat, I know when an animal is really smarter and knows more about the Universe than humans, and squirrels fall into that category. We need to start an oversight committee to keep an eye on what these little bastards are up to. Sure this was a harmless little infiltration by a rogue squirrel, but I think it just goes to show what they would be capable if they ever organize under a powerful leader.

Pricks they are.

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Lil’ Dusty Is My New Hero

September 3, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX, VIDEOS · 3 Comments 

by the goat… It’s definitely not quite to the level of man love yet (we’ve already covered the “Samwise Gamgee” effect), but it is getting close. As of today I am officially bestowing hero status upon Dustin. I mean nobody is even close to as hot as he is right now.

It isn’t a Johnny come lately scenario though, he’s been doing it all year. It’s just that his exploits of late almost make you forget that he was an all-star before he went out of his mind.

Let’s check out an excerpt from Chad Finn’s blog “Touching all the bases” at boston.com:

But Pedroia’s numbers are staggering for a hitter of any stature. He’s leading the American League in batting (.330), hits (188), multiple-hit games (55) and runs (108) and third in doubles (43) and total bases (283). He has knocked in 22 runs in his last 19 games, is batting .600 over his last seven games, and has nine hits in 14 at-bats in the cleanup spot.

According to the Elias Stats Bureau via Buster Olney’s blog, Pedroia is the first player in Red Sox history with a five-run, a five-hit, and a five-RBI game in the same season. Considering the hitters who have graced this franchise, that is an incredibly impressive accomplishment.

Most BSP readers know by now that on the field achievements are only part of the battle towards goat hero status. There needs to be that intangible, some Je ne sais quoi if you will. Well a few posts back we found this article, here is a few good excerpts:

“There he is,” Pedroia says, “the only opposing player (Millar) who gets his own song played for him when he comes to the plate at Fenway.”… … “I’m telling you, if they play that song tonight, I’m stopping the game. I’m going up to the booth and fighting the guy at the controls. Enough already.”

On and on it goes. Day after day, in these pregame hours, Pedroia stirs the pot, dishing out threats and insults and mixing in bold predictions about his performance at the plate. He has already texted Millar, “Did you bring your glasses for the laser show tonight?”

When you add the way the guy is playing and the fact that he is a total prick to everyone, you have a borderline hero. There was just one thing missing, I couldn’t put my hoof on what it was though.

Then, on September third in the year of our Lord two thousand and eight, I saw a video of Dustin Luis Pedroia signing a ball for a fan. The fan says “I remember Jerry Remy”. Our Dustin hands the ball back to the man with these words… “Jerry Remy stunk!”. That’s right he did it, he called it like it was. Mr. Everywhere/ Red Sox GAYtion President/corporate shill/hot dog vendor finally got some due.

I kid you not, I would never joke about such an important day in our history. So without further ado:

(he drops it at the 5 second mark so pay attention)

Fucking Hero plain and simple. The man is a fucking hero.

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Who Are These Guys?

August 31, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · Comment 

by the goat… Ok the Sox are just mashing it right now, they’re making the White Sox look like The Royals. In their last 5 games they have outscored Chicago and the Spankees 37-10. It is just amazing how well they are hitting the ball right now, and they have been getting some nice pitching recently too. The most incredible part? They are doing it with this lineup…

  1. Ellsbury
  2. Lowrie
  3. Ortiz
  4. Pedroia
  5. Kotsay
  6. Bay
  7. Varitek
  8. Bailey
  9. Cora

Lil’ Dusty reportin’ for cleanup duty?! Michael Bowden was the starting pitcher? Seriously? If you showed me that lineup last year, I would say one of two things. Either the Red Sox are 20 games out, or Varitek and Ortiz are rehabbing in Pawtucket and that is the Paw Sox lineup.

But no, the Sox are only 4.5 games back in their division and hold a 3.5 game lead in the wild card. Now this next sentence might come as a shocker since I am usually a cynical bastard.

The Red Sox are showing the Yankees how a good organization works right now. Both teams have been ravaged by injury. The Red Sox have had 20 trips to the DL this season, and we’re not talking about role player type guys, we’re talking names like…

  • Ortiz
  • Schilling
  • Beckett
  • Drew
  • Lowell
  • Matsuzaka
  • Wakefield
  • Lugo

Many of the names on the list have been declared “disabled” more than once this season. (I’ve always wondered how actual disabled people feel about baseball’s insistence that “right shoulder tightness” makes someone “disabled”) .

Well Skanks, watch and learn. Instead of trading away every prospect you have for every high priced superstar you can get your hands on, maybe it is time to take a look at the Red Sox model.

Four key guys in the starting lineup, two starting pitchers and three key bullpen guys are homegrown talent. Also, remember when I called Theo out for only trading Manny and doing nothing else before the trade deadline? Well who needs to make moves before the deadline when you can get two key guys after it? (Byrd, Kotsay)

Kudos Theo and the Red Sox management for proving me wrong and restoring my faith in your organization and it’s master plan.

Just so you know I still believe that this is all happening through osmosis. When you are within the same state as Bill Belichick consistently, you just automatically become a sports management genius. Just ask Danny Ainge.

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History Is Here

August 26, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RED SOX · 1 Comment 

by the goat… Well it is upon us, the Red Sox are going into Yankee Stadium for what is definitely the last time in the regular season and most likely forever. I have to admit the gravity of it is actually starting to affect me. I didn’t give two shits about the nostalgia surrounding the All-Star game, but this seems different.

It is really strange to think that there will never be another wicked disappointment, another brawl or another magic run at Yankee Stadium for the Sox. I am feeling the history so much that I actually posted a photo of Yankee Stadium on BSP. It will never happen again, I assure you. Oh and if it makes you feel any better I am posting this from my brother in laws laptop, that way I didn’t have to download the picture onto mine. It would probably explode if I tried. Sorry Sean, I’ll delete it after.

This has all the makings of a great Sox Yanks series. A Sox sweep would virtually end the Yankees hopes at the post-season. How great would it be to slam the door shut on the Skanks’ season in the very stadium they are trying to extends longevity.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a great three days, and make sure to check in here. I am sure I will have lots to either rave or piss about.

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Guy Catches Ball With Beer And Chugs It

August 22, 2008 · Filed Under MLB, RANDOM WEIRDNESS, VIDEOS · 8 Comments 

by the goat… This guy at a Cubs game pulls a real nice move here. He catches a ball in the stands with his Beer cup and then chugs the beer, ending with the ball in his mouth. Enjoy:

Now at first glance the reaction is to give this guy his props and write this off as a great feat. Let’s examine this a little closer though shall we.

We can clearly see in the 00:16 mark of the video that this dude’s beer is approximately 96% full. This puts him well within range where we automatically have to review this. We will be using the standard equation of “Awesomeness of Act vs. Loss of Beer”.

What we first need to do is use the goatagoras theorem to take into account the total volume of beer displaced by the baseball. According to my calculations (ball speed, circumference and smoothness of catch) this particular catch resulted in the loss of 68% of the guy’s beer. When you consider the prices of ball park beers these days it may seem to some that it just isn’t worth it.

On the other hand, the average drunk asshole spills 31% of his beer on the person in front of him at a baseball game anyway, which drops the overall loss of booziness to a mere 37%. Add this to the fact that Wrigley sells “Old Style” beer for a mere $6.00 (the price of just the empty cup at Fenway) and suddenly it doesn’t seem so painful.

So was it worth it?

The Verdict

Fuck yes.

Upon further review, even if it’s a flute of Dom Perrignon this guy did the right thing. In fact I would even go so far as to say that this man wears Awesome Sauce as cologne. This is what baseball and America are all about folks, kudos ball in beer chug guy!

This got me to thinking, what are the other situations in life when one is under complete obligation to chug their beer? Here is the early list, feel free to click on “comment” below the title of this post and add yours, I will update the list accordingly:

  1. When some douchebag clanks the top of your bud light bottle with the bottom of his (the menthos and soda effect)
  2. On Tuesdays
  3. When you accidentally poke a hole in your bud can with your keys while holding it horizontally
  4. When a ping pong ball lands in it
  5. When you pick up your cards before the president while playing “Asshole”
  6. When everyone is ready to go to the next bar and you have a full one

* Updates from reader comments below

  1. 20 minutes until last call and your the wing man with the ugly girl
  2. Just before they shut down the beer between innings at Fenway

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