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I Guess I’m Moving To Montana
by the goat… Remember pre - ‘04 Boston? How hard it was to live with the so called curse of the Bambino? Well imagine being from Montana, and the only thing anyone ever learns about your state is The Battle Of Little Bighorn.
While we had to live with Bucky “fucking” Dent and his game winning home run, the people of Montana have Sitting “fucking” Bull. I am sure it only got worse in the latter years as Americans have begun to finally empathize with the plight of the Native Americans.
You know who is from Montana? Bobby Petrino and Ryan Leaf. Not even Evel Knievel and Dana Carvey can make up for those two.
Well laugh no more! Montana has been redeemed and has now taken the lead as the most progressive state in the union. That’s right kids, Montana has started a state run gambling game, much like our Keno, that is based on fantasy football.
What a country! Montana is bringing it and if Massachusetts doesn’t smarten up and follow suit real soon, this billy goat is going to be headed to Montana via REI. I’ll grab the mountain climbing starter kit and go visit my cousins in the Rockies.
Another Title For Massachusetts!
by the goat… Remember when I said a while back that at this point Massachusetts could probably win a war with China. Well here we go again. William “Chopper” Young of Wellfleet has won the Guinness World Oyster Opening (shucking to you and I) Championships in Galway, Ireland. story here
What a great frickin’ nickname.
The best part of the story is that he uses an un-orthodox side opening technique and when he got to Ireland he realized it wouldn’t work there. You see Kelly Galway oysters are harder to open than ours and his knife was too thin. So what does “Chopper” do? Cry? Go home? NO! He borrows a knife from a Swedish dude and adapts, overcomes and wins the whole shebang and brings the trophy back to Mass-a-fucking-chusetts!
Here in the Holy Land, the mecca if you will, the trophy will feel right at home. If it gets lonely it can hang out with some other notable trophies that the “Great” Bay State has won in the last few years.
There are the big three of course, the NBA championship, the NFL championship and the MLB championship trophies respectfully.
There is the college hockey championship won by Boston College.
There is the Cup Stacking World Championship trophy won by Steven Purugganan of Longmeadow, MA. story here
There is the Vegas Stripper Pole Dancing trophy won by Somerville’s own Danielle Rueda-Watts, who was cheered on by the World Champion Boston Celtics while they were in Vegas fresh off their victory. story here
Let’s not forget the pride of Chicopee, Sean Sears, who brought home the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship Trophy. story here
To use the parlance of our times, I mean OMG WTF? Massachusetts is on fire!
By the way BSP would like to wish Happy Birthdays to two great icons of sport: Chi Chi Rodriguez and Natick’s own Doug Flutie.
These Dogs Are Pissed And I Don’t Give A Fuck.
by the goat…I have been getting a lot of emails asking where part two of the Manny man love post is. Well I’ve been out of town, goats have lives too. It’s on it’s way I promise.
In the meantime, look how absolutely utterly pissed off these dogs are to have owners that are assholes, it’s kind of funny how their toolbag of an owner gets uncomfortable when he realizes that he is such a douche that he just ended his relationship with his dogs. So then he blames it on his girl. Extra douche sauce please!:
No I am not amused! Where the fuck is your light saber?! I can only wish someone will take a light saber to your helmet soon you asshole!
I know this is a cheap way out of writing anything of substance but I don’t give a fuck, not giving a fuck is great. You should try it:
See ya soon… fuck.
Mark McGuire vs. Hannibal Smith vs. Cousin Eddie
by the goat… Today we have the first ever birthday showdown here at BSP. On this day three great (or once great) Americans were born. That’s right. Mark McGuire, George Peppard and Randy Quaid all share October 1st as their day of birth. In celebration we are going to run a showdown poll to decide who would kick who’s ass.
Of course we need to throw in a little twist, so the face off will be between Mark and two of Randy and George’s most memorable roles.
The rules are simple, we are voting for who would win in a no holds barred street fight. Weapons are not allowed to be brought from home, but fighters may pick up anything lying around and use it. Other than that there are no rules, anything goes.
And now without further ado here are the contenders:
Coming in at 6′ 0″ tall and 175 pounds (210 with the cigar) is Hannibal Smith of the illustrious A-Team (Peppard)
Up next coming in at 6′ 5″ and 230 pounds (1998) 5′ 10″ 160 pounds (today) is Mark McGuire:
And finally measuring 6′ 5″ and weighing 245 pounds, from Vacation, Cousin Eddie (Quaid):
Here is my prediction; McGuire gets so wrapped up in dodging questions from the media that he gets blindsided early by Hannibal who burns his retnas out with his cigar. A blinded McGuire then haphazardly stumbles into Cousin Eddie, spilling his Milwaukee’s Best.
Cousin Eddie promptly chokes McGuire to death with his beer soaked shirt, slurping up the beer leaking from the tightly twisted shirt while doing the choking… impressive move to say the least. Bottom line is that ‘98 McGuire might have stood a chance, but post-juice he is no match for these two highly trained professionals.
Cousin Eddie then turns his attention to Hannibal who throws his cigar at Eddie chinese star style. Eddie removes his own cigar from his mouth just in time to catch Hannibals cigar in his teeth. Eddie then promptly and simultaneously takes a drag off of Hannibal’s cigar and rifles his own towards him. A move which allows Cousin Eddie to keep his streak of 7,634 consecutive breaths full of cigar smoke alive.
Hannibal, stunned by the cat like reflexes, freezes and is struck in the face. Eddie, smelling victory, finishes the weakened Smith off by suffocating him with his rabbit fur hat. Eddie then proceeds to empty his RV toilet by pouring the contents over the dead bodies of McGuire and Hannibal with the hose. All the while muttering “the shitter was full, the shitter was full” repeatedly under his breath:
Bottom line is I believe Cousin Eddie takes it due to him being 100% bat shit crazy. I’ll take insane over training all day. What do you think?
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Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!
by the goat… Hero alert! Boo Weekley has been on the goat hero radar for quite some time now, this past weekend he had his straw that broke the camels back moment. Although don’t tell him that, he may shoot the camel.
For those of you who don’t know, Boo Weekley is a professional golfer on the PGA tour. He is a two time winner on tour and this past weekend was the hero of the United States win over Europe in the Ryder Cup. He is also a total redneck.
Boo hails from Milton Florida (pop. 7045). For those of you unfamiliar with the Florida Panhandle, let’s just say that Milton is a hell of a lot closer to Mobile, Alabama then it is to Ft. Lauderdale.
Alright let’s get this hero declaration started as usual with some fun facts that led to the early stages of the investigation:
- Boo failed out of Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College after an impressive one year enrollment
- He has openly stated that he would much rather be “huntin’ and fishin’” than playing golf
- He is sponsored by the outdoors apparel company Mossy Oak, which specializes in camouflage apparel and other outdoor/hunting gear
- He is on the Feds red flag watch list because of rifle bullets found in his bag before a flight
- He started playing golf in high school
- He lists Ben Hogan as his golf hero in his bio, but admits he knows nothing about him. He used him in his PGA profile simply because he played Hogan clubs in high school
- He chews tobacco while he golfs
Let’s get to know the man a little better though shall we. Here are some quotes from ‘ole Boo hisself:
On playing in the British Open:
“It’s been rough on the food. Ain’t no sweet tea, and ain’t no fried chicken.”
“I don’t like to visit. I just go and do what I got to do and get home.”
When asked if he smuggled a few cans of chewing tobacco into the country: “I didn’t smuggle a few, I brought a bunch. I think about 20-something and my caddie brought like 30-something.”
When asked about the Royal and Ancient St. Andrews, the course being played and the home of golf (est. 1754): “I didn’t know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from.”
He was asked this question by a reporter upon his return: “Boo, I heard you just spent ten days in the U.K.” His answer was nothing short of priceless: “No sir,” Boo answered, “I was in Scotland.”
On his approach to the game of golf:
“It’s caveman golf: Hit it, find it, hit it again.”
On how he’d play with the lead on Sunday: “I don’t know, I ain’t never had it before.”
On chewing tobacco while playing in tournaments:
“I just like to spit a lot, you know. Kind of have to have something in my mouth, I reckon.”
On life in general:
On whether he likes turkey hunting: “I don’t know about the professional turkey hunt. More the deer and the fishing. That turkey, I don’t like chasing the chickens around. You can go get them out of the deep freezer.”
On what he’d be doing if he wasn’t a professional golfer: “I’d be holding a shovel, probably, because I wasn’t very good in school, neither.”
*Boo almost solidified hero status with this next one, talk about someone who “gets it” in a world of stiffs
On interacting with the gallery (fans) during his round: “These people paid their money to come out and watch us play, why not talk to them a little bit? The way I feel about it, they’re paying my bills. They’re helping out anyway. So why not talk to them?”
So that pretty much brings us to this years Ryder Cup held this past weekend. For those of you who don’t know about it, the Ryder Cup is golf’s version of the World Cup. It is Europe vs. The U.S.A. and is held every two years. People take it very serious. Adding to the drama was the fact that the United States had not won the cup since 1999. This years cup was held, in of all places, Kentucky. Yup good ‘ole Boo was down south with his own people.
The United States was not supposed to win, they had no Tiger Woods. They had a team full of nobody’s and rookies. I will spare you a full re-cap of the tournament, but let’s just say it was dramatic and emotional. The headline on the Ryder Cups own website read:
Redneck, white and blue squad exemplifies American spirit
Throughout the two day tournament Boo was getting the crowd fired up between shots while walking to his ball. Lee Westwood, a European player, was very vocal about his displeasure with Boo’s antics. After Boo and J.B. Holmes (a Kentucky boy) beat Westwood and his partner on Friday, Lee had this to say about Boo “raising the roof” and pumping up the crowd between shots: “Golf is supposed to be a gentleman’s game, and that is what separates it from all other sports. This [Weekley's behavior] is unsportsmanlike, if you ask me.”
Oh get over yourself Westwood you pussy. You can’t handle the crowd getting pumped up? The ones who, as Boo likes to point out, pay your salary. It’s not like they didn’t quiet down by the time the players hit their next shots. I used to have respect for Westwood, but he lost all of it. The PGA isn’t played in vacuum, if it was your doucheface would have to bag groceries during the week.
So how did Boo react to Westwoods shit slinging? He apologized humbly, causing Westwood to re-evaluate his feelings. That’s the kind of guy Weekley is. Oh and then he proceeded to kick his ass again on the golf course the next day, with some stare downs of Westwood thrown in after he hit some nice shots. Polite, but with a little go fuck yourself thrown in. Don’t be fooled, Boo is a gentleman, he answers question “yessir” and “nosir”, but he is no pushover.
I know what you are saying, “goat get to the straw that broke the camels back already, none of us give a shit about golf.” O.K here it is, keep in mind that our hero Boo is playing on golf’s biggest stage in front of tens of thousands of people in the gallery and tens of millions on television. I warn you, this video may cause you to pass out from over exposure to awesomeness. This is Boo leaving the first tee after his opening drive of the round.:
Original Video - More videos at TinyPic
Oh let’s see that again, this time in slow motion!
Tell me you didn’t just quote Chubs in your mind the same way I did when I first saw this: “Awww whatcha doin’ Boo?!? Ridin’ the bull?!?”
Or maybe you went with the Gary Potter (Kevin Nealon): “Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working.”
Either way this is the greatest moment in golf history. Argue if you want, but you would be wrong.
Welcome Boo to the annals of the goat Hall Of Fame, you deserve it you redneck hero bastid’.
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Fitzy Kills Me Sometimes…
I just checked in with Townie News and I have to say that Fitzy’s latest video killed me. I had to repost it here. Luckily he gave me permission to steal everything he ever posts and whore it out on the interweb. In case you don’t know Fitzy is an internet slut (Hand Jobs for everyone!):
Squirrels Are Pricks
by the goat… Since good things come in three’s we might as well do another video post. If this video doesn’t convince you that squirrels are genuine assholes I don’t know what will. As a disclaimer you should probably know that goats and squirrels are natural enemies. I have been in a deep feud with a squirrel for some time, but that is a post for another day.
In this video you can clearly see that the squirrel is just messing with the players. He knows exactly what he is doing and is loving every minute of it:
The announcers had a few funny lines in there, turning it into a football play by play call wasn’t bad. What I can’t believe is that nobody noticed (and hasn’t since) that this squirrel was so obviously doing an imitation of minor league manager Phil Wellman.
If your not familiar with Phil he is the guy who did the crawl to the mound/rosin bag grenade toss move. Arguably the best ever move by a manager in the history of everything in forever. I am convinced that this squirrel busted out a pretty good impression of it and I can’t believe nobody is talking about it. Here is the video of Wellman. Watch the whole thing if you haven’t seen it, but then do me a favor.
Review what goes down at the 1:45 or so mark a few times and then go back to that douchebag squirrel’s video and watch what he does starting at the 00:27 or so mark. Stop now and do it, then read on.
You can’t tell me that prick wasn’t doing a re-enactment! He did it like three times. I’m telling you, as the goat, I know when an animal is really smarter and knows more about the Universe than humans, and squirrels fall into that category. We need to start an oversight committee to keep an eye on what these little bastards are up to. Sure this was a harmless little infiltration by a rogue squirrel, but I think it just goes to show what they would be capable if they ever organize under a powerful leader.
Pricks they are.
Lil’ Dusty Is My New Hero
by the goat… It’s definitely not quite to the level of man love yet (we’ve already covered the “Samwise Gamgee” effect), but it is getting close. As of today I am officially bestowing hero status upon Dustin. I mean nobody is even close to as hot as he is right now.
It isn’t a Johnny come lately scenario though, he’s been doing it all year. It’s just that his exploits of late almost make you forget that he was an all-star before he went out of his mind.
Let’s check out an excerpt from Chad Finn’s blog “Touching all the bases” at boston.com:
But Pedroia’s numbers are staggering for a hitter of any stature. He’s leading the American League in batting (.330), hits (188), multiple-hit games (55) and runs (108) and third in doubles (43) and total bases (283). He has knocked in 22 runs in his last 19 games, is batting .600 over his last seven games, and has nine hits in 14 at-bats in the cleanup spot.
According to the Elias Stats Bureau via Buster Olney’s blog, Pedroia is the first player in Red Sox history with a five-run, a five-hit, and a five-RBI game in the same season. Considering the hitters who have graced this franchise, that is an incredibly impressive accomplishment.
Most BSP readers know by now that on the field achievements are only part of the battle towards goat hero status. There needs to be that intangible, some Je ne sais quoi if you will. Well a few posts back we found this article, here is a few good excerpts:
“There he is,” Pedroia says, “the only opposing player (Millar) who gets his own song played for him when he comes to the plate at Fenway.”… … “I’m telling you, if they play that song tonight, I’m stopping the game. I’m going up to the booth and fighting the guy at the controls. Enough already.”
On and on it goes. Day after day, in these pregame hours, Pedroia stirs the pot, dishing out threats and insults and mixing in bold predictions about his performance at the plate. He has already texted Millar, “Did you bring your glasses for the laser show tonight?”
When you add the way the guy is playing and the fact that he is a total prick to everyone, you have a borderline hero. There was just one thing missing, I couldn’t put my hoof on what it was though.
Then, on September third in the year of our Lord two thousand and eight, I saw a video of Dustin Luis Pedroia signing a ball for a fan. The fan says “I remember Jerry Remy”. Our Dustin hands the ball back to the man with these words… “Jerry Remy stunk!”. That’s right he did it, he called it like it was. Mr. Everywhere/ Red Sox GAYtion President/corporate shill/hot dog vendor finally got some due.
I kid you not, I would never joke about such an important day in our history. So without further ado:
(he drops it at the 5 second mark so pay attention)
Fucking Hero plain and simple. The man is a fucking hero.
Fan Of The Year
by the goat… This video shows why colleges in the northeast like BC, UConn etc. will never be football powerhouses like Texas and Oklahoma. They just don’t have enough random drunk redneck fans. When is the last time you saw some crazy ass motherfucker with no teeth wandering around shitfaced in a BC Eagles shirt spouting about how “Wake Forest sucks like a bitch!”? You just don’t and mark my words unless it starts happening BC will never win the ACC.
There are just too many phenomenal quotes in there to dissect. I will tell you this though. I am definitely going to start using that “you think so?!?!” answer he gives.
“Hey Goat are you going out tonight?”
“You think so?!?!”
“Goat do you need another beer?”
“You think so?!?!”
I love it.
Who’s gonna lock and load?… the goat of course.
Guy Catches Ball With Beer And Chugs It
by the goat… This guy at a Cubs game pulls a real nice move here. He catches a ball in the stands with his Beer cup and then chugs the beer, ending with the ball in his mouth. Enjoy:
Now at first glance the reaction is to give this guy his props and write this off as a great feat. Let’s examine this a little closer though shall we.
We can clearly see in the 00:16 mark of the video that this dude’s beer is approximately 96% full. This puts him well within range where we automatically have to review this. We will be using the standard equation of “Awesomeness of Act vs. Loss of Beer”.
What we first need to do is use the goatagoras theorem to take into account the total volume of beer displaced by the baseball. According to my calculations (ball speed, circumference and smoothness of catch) this particular catch resulted in the loss of 68% of the guy’s beer. When you consider the prices of ball park beers these days it may seem to some that it just isn’t worth it.
On the other hand, the average drunk asshole spills 31% of his beer on the person in front of him at a baseball game anyway, which drops the overall loss of booziness to a mere 37%. Add this to the fact that Wrigley sells “Old Style” beer for a mere $6.00 (the price of just the empty cup at Fenway) and suddenly it doesn’t seem so painful.
So was it worth it?
The Verdict
Fuck yes.
Upon further review, even if it’s a flute of Dom Perrignon this guy did the right thing. In fact I would even go so far as to say that this man wears Awesome Sauce as cologne. This is what baseball and America are all about folks, kudos ball in beer chug guy!
This got me to thinking, what are the other situations in life when one is under complete obligation to chug their beer? Here is the early list, feel free to click on “comment” below the title of this post and add yours, I will update the list accordingly:
- When some douchebag clanks the top of your bud light bottle with the bottom of his (the menthos and soda effect)
- On Tuesdays
- When you accidentally poke a hole in your bud can with your keys while holding it horizontally
- When a ping pong ball lands in it
- When you pick up your cards before the president while playing “Asshole”
- When everyone is ready to go to the next bar and you have a full one
* Updates from reader comments below
- 20 minutes until last call and your the wing man with the ugly girl
- Just before they shut down the beer between innings at Fenway
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Beantown Weather
Boston MANovember 21, 2008, 6:25 am 
Partly cloudy
current temperature: 27°Freal feel: 16°F
humidity: 50%
wind speed: 9 mph W
Windgusts: 9 mph
sunrise: 6:43
sunset: 16:17
Forecast November 21, 2008 day 
Intermittent clouds
36°F
wind speed: 9 mph WNW
Windgusts: 16 mphnight 
Mostly cloudy
22°F
wind speed: 22 mph NW
Windgusts: 43 mph-
Action!